6 10 2010

It’s 3 a.m. and again I can’t sleep. What’s wrong with me? This has been going on for the two weeks since I got back from my holiday in America. At first I blamed jet lag but it’s been too long to drag out that excuse. I went to bed at 9.30 this evening feeling run down, worn out and flu like and slept for just over an hour, I think I would rather have just stayed up.

It’s both depressing and worrying, I try my best not to lose my temper and start banging my head against a wall but that is more for the benefit of the people I live with. I just want to sleep.

My day times pass in a disengaged haze, I can’t claim full responsibility for what I say or do because I’m not me. Me is a tired loss of a man who spends, what seems the majority of his time, staring at a darkened box room. I want to sleep, I’m tired, physically it’s making me ill but mentally it is so much harder. I go from day dreaming to a bout of hating myself, then hating the world, dabble in a bit of self-pity and then back to day dreaming. BUT STILL NO SLEEP.

There’s no one to blame, there’s no one of any importance who I can try and talk to about this awful insomnia whilst I’m suffering through it. It’s just me in a dark room waiting for my mind and body to agree that I’ve had enough torture and letting me sleep.



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